After the first time I connected with the ascended master Apollo, I would retreat in to my inner garden to communicate with him whenever I was worried, sad or scared. Apollo was always kind and loving; chatting with him, as I did with a good friend, always helped me.

Our connection was so strong I began to refer to him as "Da": I saw him as a second father and he often called me "my child" or "my little oracle."

As I entered middle school, fitting in was a little more important, I began to spend less time meditating and doing the "weird" things my grandmother wanted to teach me. I began, like everyone else, to chuck them off to my imagination. I wanted to play sports and wanted to fit in; therefore being the weird kid wouldn't cut it anymore.  I began to attend the local Pentecostal church in an attempt to fit in: their teachings said that talking to anyone other than God or Jesus was a sin.

I remember that day when the Pastor began talking about Pagan gods and assured us all that demons where out there trying to disguise themselves as loving spirits and angels so that they could claim our soul. The fear was so gripping I felt as if I was being strangled and started to have a mini-panic attack.

I remember the same fear a few months later when the same Pastor yelled from the pulpit, full of anger and hate, about "the homosexual abominations that where plaguing our world." I felt that there was something wrong with these teachings so full of hate. (Before I go on any further with my story there is something I want to clear up. The experience I had with Pentecostalism at that time was a very negative one, but there are  many Pentecostal churches that are loving and center their teaching in true Christian values of love, forgiveness and service.)

As the fear and guilt began to pile on; my life began to spin out of control and I felt alone and unwanted. The self that I had meticulously crafted fit in perfectly. Everyone loved me: I was funny, charming and witty. I aced all of my classes, became Co-Captain of the Men's Volleyball team, was a co-editor of the school newspaper and participated in church as a youth leader. People called me "Goldenboy" or "Sunshine" and this constantly reminded me that there was something missing,: the comfort that I received when I talked to The Angels, Jesus, and Apollo.

It wasn't that I stopped talking to Jesus, in a way I still was. But now, it just felt constricted as if there were a set of rules to follow; whereas before I would talk to him as a friend or like how I am talking to you now. Speaking to Apollo or my Angels was out of the question; I didn't want to tempt God to strike me down and make me feel more guilty than I already was with my "evil and sinful" feelings for other boys.

That's when it happen... Eventually the pressure build up so much that I just couldn't contain it. I decided I had enough and if I was born this way, with this curse that would doom me to hell, why not skip the whole horrible pain filled journey and just "check out" right now.

I had lived 10 years going through Catholic school and churches that told me I was going to hell for being me, for being the way I was born. So I decided that God was unfair and that there was no point. I was in my freshman year of high school, I locked myself in the bathroom, and decided in a moment of desperation to take my own life. I won't give you details because it’s a part of my life that I choose not to give focus to but I will tell you the beautiful lesson I learned.

I remember slowly fading,  my vision becoming blurry and I could hear the sounds of the radio and running water very distantly. It felt as if I was going into a dream. There I saw a beautiful Woman, her face kept changing from hers to every woman I loved in my life.

"My dear, perfect child. Why do you choose to take your own life?" she said her voice soft and loving.

"I don't want to be in pain anymore. I can't do this. I was born broken, sick, cursed. I was born an abomination, why spend a whole lifetime of suffering and end up in hell, when I can just quit now and get what I deserve." I replied in heavy sobs

"Who says you are Imperfect, broken, sick or cursed?" she asked as she held my head in her lap and stroked my hair as my grandmother did every night before I fell a sleep.

"Everyone, people at church, people on tv, people at school."

"I don't." she responded and began to hum my favorite lullaby. "I love you. You know your creator God can't make mistakes. Everything he makes is perfect and full of love. Don't you believe that God created you and that he is perfect and that he cannot make mistakes?" I nodded. "They believe that you are perfect, that he has a great purpose for you."

"Are you God?" I whispered

"Yes, an extension of God. I am the extension of God many called, and still call, Aphrodite Urania."

"The goddess of heavenly love."

She giggled, "Very good, we figured that this aspect of God would be best for you at this moment of need. You have so much to do little one. So much to accomplish and so much love to bring to this world. The choice is always yours but we strongly encourage you not to give up and keep walking on your beautiful, amazing, magical road." Her eyes where full of love, the love I saw in my grandmother's eyes and in my mother's eyes, the love I saw in my own eyes whenever I looked at myself in the mirror as a child; the love that was now missing in me.

"I want to keep going I don't want to give up!" I yelled. Snapping back in to the reality of the bathroom and the water running cold.

I want to leave you with this before  I close this post. No matter how hard your road seems, you have help and support. All you have to do is ask; let your road be magical and above all else never give up.